Top Chef: Episode 15 – Finale

I realize this is a little pointless at this stage of the game, but in the name of my OCD, we’re gonna finish strong.

I checked the original scoring setup, and a contestant gets 15 points for winning the final challenge and 10 points for making it to the finale, so this episode doesn’t shake things up too much. They also both cried in this episode, but to be honest, I forgot to deduct those points, so we’ll all just have to deal.

So ToddCity made a late run for it, despite the fact he told me last weekend he hasn’t watched one episode since the premier.

But I have watched all of them multiple times, so I feel this victory is well-earned. And Paul is just too adorable to live, so I couldn’t be happier.

If you fools haven’t sent me your money yet, please do that. I’m not gonna hunt you down, but may your grommet-ness weigh heavily on you if you don’t pay!

Until next season…

Chef Scorecard:

Standings:

Top Chef: Episodes 13/14 – Mentors Make Me Cry & Winter Games

Many apologies for the lack of a standings post last week, but for some of you I was just sparing you the depression… but I wait no more! See below for your daily dose of sadness.

Also, two things before you ask:

1. No one has Beverly, so I didn’t bother counting up her points during her short-lived return. Oh, and everyone hates her guts.
2. I put the standings for the past two episodes together so I didn’t have to tally twice, and I did a bit of winging it as to assigning points. They are still merit-based as always, but I awarded some points in hierarchy format since it was different from the usual last week. If you have beef with my math, I point you to the team rosters from this post. My boyz are just strong, mmmkay?

Chef Scorecard:

Standings:

Top Chef: Episode 12 – Pee Wee Herman: The Clown Who Doesn’t Age

High point: None of the chefs knew what the Alamo looked like from the outside, even though the season started there.

Also, Pee Wee Herman made me laugh. Am I going stupid? Perhaps. But stupid can still win (see: Presidency, George W. Bush).

Chef Scorecard:

Player Standings:

Top Chef: Episode 11 – Something Wicked

What’s better than Charlize Theron and a night of culinary eeeee-ville? Sending Beverly home, that’s what.

And winning. The winning isn’t too bad either. Ahem:

Chef Scorecard:

Player Standings:

ToddCity, I have one eye on you and the other one on you, Graw. And I can do that because of my lazy eye. See ya next week, suckas.

Top Chef: Episode 10 – Restaurant Wars

And still champion… Respect:

Chef Scorecard

Player Standings

Top Chef: Episode 9 – Bar-B-Confusion

I am busy and late, but I am here. And once again, I am victorious! I don’t have the energy to smack-talk, so just check out the scores and gird your loins (ew) for Restaurant Wars tonight. Later.

Chef Scorecard:

Player Standings:

Top Chef: Episode 8 ~ I would have made hot dogs

The sign that Beverly made that said “Beverly Kim – Top Chef Season 9” is motive enough for murder in my book. Just because you don’t understand that you’re horribly awkward and you own a laser printer does not mean you aren’t The Worst.

Chef Scorecard:

Playa Standings:

And, in the Christmas spirit, may I just say to all of you, SUCK IT. Especially you, Lexington.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Top Chef: Episode 7 – The Blame Game

In the name of not having to worry about score tabulations next Wednesday during Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve happy hour, I’m going to knock that out now. One thing before I do: although Claire and I both fat-girl-specialed out and made a logistically smart pick with Heather, that girl is one serious biotch. And I say that as someone who has a physical hatred for Beverly. Like twitching and Tourette-style cursing hatred and everything. But still.

Now on to the scores. As you can clearly see, I am nipping violently at the heels of Queen Dunny of the Ridiculous Luck and will shortly close in on her for the kill. Locked and loaded, roomie.

Chef Scorecard

Top Chef: Episode 6 – “High Steaks” or whatever they called it

Short and sweet because I need to get to the bar to celebrate the Murse’s graduation. Dunny, we hate you. And Ty-Lor.

Player Scorecard:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chef Scorecard:

Top Chef: Episode 5 – Out Standing in a Field

A few things before we get to the goods:
(Or, if you don’t care about things, scroll on down to the goods now.)

Quickfire

• Why does Chris Jones tie his hair up in that ridic Pebbles-style ponytail? Either grow it out and be a hippie or cut it and be normal. The current length is douchebag.
• If they had already closed down the road for this adorable corn field bit, why didn’t they put the tables on the flat top? Padma looked like a (hot) drunk girl at MusicFest the whole time. Besh just looked hot.
• Whassssup to m’girl Lindsay for honoring her (apparently also low-rent-taste-having) father with the Vienna Sausages! I (unfortunately) cannot remember the last time I was at the house when Paul didn’t offer me a pull off those pig parts.
• You know how some people have Crazy Eyes? Well, Dakota has Crazy Nostrils. And eyes,.

Elimination Challenge

• Guess what, y’all: Whitney was poor! And instead of that making her scrappy, it’s made her terrified of everything.
• Double guess what: JMelt just sent me this almost-NSFW peek at Ty-Lor’s back story… and back side. Sorry to the straight boys who just clicked on that link. But, as JMelt pointed out, that’s what you get for being in a Top Chef Fantasy League.
• Sidebar: Does anyone else think the movie they were pimping during the commercials about the boy and his horse smacks of  bestiality just a touch? I hate horses, though, so that may be the problem. To the glue factory!
• Can we all agree that Beverly is the nerd-ass-valedictorian-teacher’s-pet-butt-kisser who is eventually going to stand up for herself in some horribly awkward way and only make people despise her more? K thanks. But apparently, she can cook. We hate her.
• You know who else we hate? Chuy. And so do the judges because they finally sent his lispy rear packing this week! I bet Chuy’s Dad is crying right now… while sitting on a chair he made, eating a piece of food he grew, in a house he built with his bare hands. In short, I’m calling patho on Chuy’s Dad’s stories right now. And I know how to spot pathos.

Now on to the main event:

Chef  Scorecard

Standings

So, it appears Dunny is still Queen of the Jungle Gym, but ToddCity is making a play for her title from the ‘Nooga. And props to Morg for her 22 point jump this week. Just goes to show anything can happen!

For those of us with Ty-Lor, next week’s preview would indicate that he’s going to keep right on screwing a lot of us up. In short, he cuts himself and then proceeds to go to the hospital. Like a little beech. At this point, I wish he’d just cry and be done with it. Now pack your knives and go!