Top Chef: Episode 5 – Out Standing in a Field

A few things before we get to the goods:
(Or, if you don’t care about things, scroll on down to the goods now.)

Quickfire

  • Why does Chris Jones tie his hair up in that ridic Pebbles-style ponytail? Either grow it out and be a hippie or cut it and be normal. The current length is douchebag.
  • If they had already closed down the road for this adorable corn field bit, why didn’t they put the tables on the flat top? Padma looked like a (hot) drunk girl at MusicFest the whole time. Besh just looked hot.
  • Whassssup to m’girl Lindsay for honoring her (apparently also low-rent-taste-having) father with the Vienna Sausages! I (unfortunately) cannot remember the last time I was at the house when Paul didn’t offer me a pull off those pig parts.
  • You know how some people have Crazy Eyes? Well, Dakota has Crazy Nostrils. And eyes,.

Elimination Challenge

  • Guess what, y’all: Whitney was poor! And instead of that making her scrappy, it’s made her terrified of everything.
  • Double guess what: JMelt just sent me this almost-NSFW peek at Ty-Lor’s back storyand back side. Sorry to the straight boys who just clicked on that link. But, as JMelt pointed out, that’s what you get for being in a Top Chef Fantasy League.
  • Sidebar: Does anyone else think the movie they were pimping during the commercials about the boy and his horse smacks of  bestiality just a touch? I hate horses, though, so that may be the problem. To the glue factory!
  • Can we all agree that Beverly is the nerd-ass-valedictorian-teacher’s-pet-butt-kisser who is eventually going to stand up for herself in some horribly awkward way and only make people despise her more? K thanks. But apparently, she can cook. We hate her.
  • You know who else we hate? Chuy. And so do the judges because they finally sent his lispy rear packing this week! I bet Chuy’s Dad is crying right now… while sitting on a chair he made, eating a piece of food he grew, in a house he built with his bare hands. In short, I’m calling patho on Chuy’s Dad’s stories right now. And I know how to spot pathos.

Now on to the main event:

Chef  Scorecard

Standings

So, it appears Dunny is still Queen of the Jungle Gym, but ToddCity is making a play for her title from the ‘Nooga. And props to Morg for her 22 point jump this week. Just goes to show anything can happen!

For those of us with Ty-Lor, next week’s preview would indicate that he’s going to keep right on screwing a lot of us up. In short, he cuts himself and then proceeds to go to the hospital. Like a little beech. At this point, I wish he’d just cry and be done with it. Now pack your knives and go!

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