We at Nummy think it’s high time people who don’t give a crap about sports are allowed to get into the fantasy game. And despite the fact that TanyaNads CrankyPants Sibai has already unsubscribed from our proceedings, we press on.
The Chef and I have been making friendly bets on Top Chef for the past few seasons, but I feel all of our good-natured rivalry is making us soft, so we’re upping the stakes.
I have scoured the InterWebs looking for a fully functional Top Chef Fantasy League format, but the well is pretty dry. So I’ve pieced together some ground rules, and I think we’ve got a formula that will prove who is Top Chef and who needs to pack their knives and go. (I know, I KNOW. But this stuff is so damn quotable; I couldn’t resist.)
So I present to you the rules and regulations for the inaugural Nummy Num Num Top Chef Fantasy League:
Since several of us will be playing, a traditional draft won’t work because there are only 16 contestants. So I think the best way to remedy this is:
- Each player picks the 5 chefs* he or she thinks stand the best chance of winning and submits them to me via email by Wednesday, November 16 at 5 p.m. CST.
- Each player contributes $20 via Paypal to the collective pot at my email address (preferably also by Wednesday).
- Each week, the chefs will be awarded or docked points depending upon how the proceedings unfold. The chefs’ scores will be posted each week. (And possibly the scores of those of us who are playing, depending upon how much time/motivation/brain-power I have to calculate that on a given Wednesday.)
- The person with the most points** at the end of the season is declared the winner and receives a fat check in the mail for a culinary adventure of your choosing (or you can blow it on cheap booze; completely up to you).
*We will not be using the word “cheftestant” under any circumstance. It is as stupid as Marcel’s hair.
**I realize that there is the very slim possibility that some of us may choose the same 5 chefs. If this happens and those people end up with the most points at the end of the season, I will come up with a tiebreaker. A Top Chef trivia challenge, perhaps? Or a fight to the death in an arena of my choosing. (I fell asleep last night reading The Hunger Games, so my ability to gauge appropriate combat options is becoming clouded.)
- 15pts: wins the final challenge
- 10pts / 7pts: wins the Elimination challenge / ends up in the top three for the Elimination challenge
- 10pts: makes it to the finale
- 7pts / 5pts: wins the Quick Fire / ends up in the top three for the Quick Fire
- 5pts: returns to series after being eliminated
- 3pts: gets praise from Tom or Emeril (once per episode)
- 3pts: is told something they made is the best ____ someone ever tasted
- 3pts: is visibly drunk on camera
- 3pts: hooks up with another contestant
- 2pts: gets praise from Padma, Gail or Hugh (once per episode)
- 2pts: gets praise from the Guest Chef
- 2pts: successfully pranks a fellow contestant
- -10pts / 7pts: gets eliminated / ends up in the bottom three of the Elimination Challenge
- -5pts: ends up in the bottom of the Quick Fire
- -3pts: goes to the hospital
- -3pts: drops a pot or pan
- -3pts: cries
- -3pts: gets slammed by Tom or Emeril (once per episode)
- -2pts: gets slammed by Padma, Gail or Hugh (once per episode)
- -2pts: is the butt of a joke made by the judges
- -2pts: cuts him/herself
- -1pt: gets sick
- -1pt: gets in a fight
- -1pt: starts a fire
- -1pt: drops a plate
And there you have it. If you have any great (or ridiculous or hilarious) rule or scoring ideas, send them along with your picks and your cash mon-ay, and the judging panel will consider them carefully. Your time starts now!